


Come With Me

by Octopus123



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, I know very little about Star Wars, Jedi Code, Jedi Mantra, prompts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-13 06:51:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5699032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Octopus123/pseuds/Octopus123
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nin lives her life in the light, guided by the Jedi Mantra. When she falls astray from her path, it's not the darkness that calls to her- It's Kylo Ren.</p><p>Loosely guided by Jedi Mantra Prompts. Quickly paced.<br/>Grammar/etc edited as of 11/10/16 with minor edits to content.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. There Is No Death, There is The Force

A part of the sun is captured in the lightsaber at her throat. She can feel the heat whispering against her skin, flickering with instability- with chaos. It's the perfect weapon for him and for the task at hand.

“You've finished it.” She realizes, throat parched and scratchy. Exhaustion weighs on her like the thick quits that are handed out to them in the winter, but she refuses to close her eyes. Refuses to make this any easier for him.

_There is no death, only the Force._

She will die tonight, slain by the hand that had nurtured her for so long, though heartbroken isn't exactly the emotion she feels. To feel the Reaper's outstretched fingers was not new to her. She'd felt it many nights as a sickly babe, fought it the day her mother died, was rescued from it by her master on her sixth birthday. He'd been fourteen then, a tantrum-prone, lanky young man who'd stuck his tongue out when she wouldn't stop staring. They had been inseparable ever since. How things had changed from then. How many more things had stayed the same.

“It's beautiful.” She continues when he doesn't offer a response. He's standing stoic at the edge of her bed, feet apart, ready to strike. There's no expression in his face that she can discern, but he hasn't made any other move just yet. He's hesitating.

Sitting up is difficult but she manages. The world spins uncontrollably for a moment, and when it stabilizes, her gaze settles back on the opponent before her. No, he isn't fourteen anymore, is he? The same features are there; the eyes and the jaw are his father's, the nose belonging to his mother. But the thick mane of raven curls are all his, and so are the ears that she'd so easily mocked at every argument. But she's still a child and he's nineteen now, a man and almost a Jedi. Her gaze falls back to the weapon hovered at her throat. It's new, and more likely than not, has shed more droplets of blood than the amount of hours it has existed.

“Am I the first or the last?” She asks. Again, he doesn't answer. Just stares at her, at the tears trickling down her cheeks. She'd been so terrified for the past few months, knowing he was nearing the end of his apprenticeship. In a futile attempt to keep him with her, she'd concocted a series of pranks and obstacles to undermine his training. She'd never have thought he'd sabotage himself.

No. That was a lie, and she wasn't going to dishonour her peers by pretending she'd been oblivious to this. She knew this was fated to happen, just as she knew his plan was to slaughter them, only. She knew because she knew _him._ Their master had attempted to show him a path in the light but hadn't been enough. Whatever persuasion she had over him hadn't been enough, either. She was just a kid, after all. A sister at best and a tag-along at worst.

Finally he speaks. His voice is velvety deep, and the words that emerge feel like a shameful secret on both sides.

“Nin, come with me.”

And, for the briefest of moments, Nin's answer is yes. Then she's scared. Really truly filled with fear. She's not scared of death, she's scared of what she could become if he doesn't drive his lightsaber through her throat right then.

“No.” She tells him with all the strength she has left in her.

There. The last threads of their relationship, severed.

Ben flicks his wrist and all the fiery heat of the sun eats into Nin's flesh. There's nothing to do but scream, full and loud, consumed by pain, until her lungs are empty and her throat has failed. Instinct tells her to reach up and push the rod of red away, but she spares her hands by clutching the thin sheets of her bed.

Then it's gone. The weight of it is removed and her flesh sizzles in the open air. Their eyes meet, and Nin's angry to see that he looks betrayed. She wishes she wasn't in this state, covered in her own sweat, shivering, weak, malnourished. In good health she'd be able to wipe that expression clean off his face.

“The fever will kill you by morning.” Ben says, almost like he's speaking to himself. This is Ben Solo's final act of mercy. Nin is helpless and fraught with tears as Kylo Ren slays her one and only friend, spits on everything he could have been, and leaves her alone in her small, spartan bedroom without so much as a glance back.

 


	2. There is No Ignorance, There is Knowledge

There are two types of dreams that plague Nin's sleep. Often they are memories of days long past, faces of the dead, places that no longer exist. Among thousands of things, she sees herself learning to swim, held above the water by a set of broad hands while emerald-green lagoon sputters from her mouth. He's fully clothed and sporting a relieved grin.

“Normally, people start at the shallow end.”

Sometimes it's her first duel. Her opponent is a year older, male, and looks as if he'd rather be meditating. Nin feels little pity, knocking him down in three swift moves. Fake left, hit behind the knee, strike. He ends up on his back, clutching his chest and holding back tears. This time he's standing with his uncle, eyes twinkling with pride because it's the trick _he_ taught her. She prefers these dreams, despite his constant presence. While the edges are hazy and the details occasionally differ, his face is always clear to her; always the last thing she sees before she wakes.

The other dreams are different. Nin travels through galaxies she's never seen, lands on planets she can't quite recall. Very occasionally she is able to explore, whether it be sandy beaches or deep murky forests or bustling capitals. Having spent her life on a total of three humdrum planets, she soaks up these strange sights with boundless hunger. But this is rare. More often than not these dreams become a nightmare. She is a weapon of darkness, can feel it licking at her skin, teeth scraping at her throat, wanting to devour her. When she looks down she is covered in black, a deranged red lightsaber held aloft in her hand. The rest is madness. Men in white suits scatter and reform under her command, bolts of light flicker across the landscape, fire consumes and smoke stifles the screams.

“ _Do you feel the power? The power of the dark side_?”

She's lived through a thousand massacres, and when she wakes her blood is boiling and her heart is pounding. The bile in her throat is quietly swallowed, her tears swiped away. The last thing she wants is for her master to find out she has an intimate viewing to Kylo Ren's darkened path.

In the morning, Luke Skywalker greets her with a slight tilt of his head. The home they share is carved out from the rocky hill, just enough space for a kitchen and two separate bedrooms. It's a sad little hole compared to the network of homes they used to preside in, but there was little use for such a sprawling space now that there are only two of them.

“I've taught you many things over the years.” Her master expresses out loud, his weathered hands wrapped loosely around a clay cup.

Nin comes forward to fill it with tea, smiling briefly. “You've covered the basics, that's for sure.”

“Do you feel you are ready?”

“For the trials?” Nin straightens at the question, tries to look fierce and serious. “I've been ready for years.”

Then she thinks of the dreams, of Force Bond, and wonders if he can tell she's lying. She looks to her master, who's gaze is fixed on the sky through the window of their small kitchen. He is a true Jedi. Perhaps it's age that will make her one too.

_There is no ignorance, there is knowledge._

She must train harder.

He says nothing more on the matter and Nin doesn't dare push it. Half of her being screams to escape this little speck of an island and into the infinity that is space; the other half wants nothing more than to spend the rest of her life play-duelling and meditating and plucking fish from the ocean with the Force.

 

She can feel a disturbance in the force long before she hears the clatter of stone a little ways down the path. Nin was spending the rest of the morning looking for scraps of cloth to sew a fresh outfit. The one she's clad in now has been long outgrown, restricting her arms and legs in a way that would be no good in a fight. Now she wishes she'd done it earlier, or that she was at least down to her undergarments. Better be embarrassed than dead.

She grabs the scissors she'd been using and crouches behind a rock face as the intruder creeps closer. It's not her master. Her master doesn't clamour up the steps like an unsteady, out-of-breath infant. Who ever this is, they are weak in training but strong in the force.

The intruder gets to the top of the steps and Nin pounces like a wild cat. A kick, a punch, she shoves them to the ground, sits atop, and places the edge of the scissors to their jugular. It's a young girl, sun-kissed and growling. She would have been a good opponent in a proper fight, but Nin never liked to play fair.

“Who are you?” They ask at the same time.

“You first.” Nin demands.

“My name is Rey.” The girl explains, trying to wiggle her wrists out from under Nin's knees. “I'm here to find Luke Skywalker. I have something that belongs to him.”

Nin glances to the side, where Rey's bag is laid abandoned during the struggle. A metal handle glints in the sunlight.

“A lightsaber?” She gasps, not caring as Rey tosses her off.

“Skywalker's lightsaber.” The stranger corrects. Nin rocks back into a sitting position and says nothing as Rey gathers her things and pats the dust from her pants. She wonders if she'll become good friends. She hasn't had one since Ben.

 

Nin repeats the Jedi mantra in her head when they walk her down to the Millennium Falcon. It's the only thing keeping her from flinging her arms around her master and begging him to come along. But he needs to stay. Rey is in desperate need of a teacher and for Nin there is nothing left to learn. The Jedi trials require experience, and she won't find it in isolation.

“Chewbacca will take you to my sister, Leia. I believe she is still leading the resistance.” Nin's master takes her hand in between his and gives her a rare smile. “She's been waiting for you for a long time, little padawan.”

Nin smiles back at him, proud. “I'm not so little anymore, old man.”

Luke Skywalker hands her a letter to give to his sister and then sends his only pupil on her way. Chewbacca helps her into the Falcon, speaking in friendly tones that she doesn't quite understand but appreciates regardless. The feeling of liftoff makes her stomach twist and she uses this excuse to find some quiet in the little washroom, blocking off the little droid that has taken a liking to following her everywhere.

When she's alone, Nin opens the letter without hesitation. She doesn't quite understand what her master wants from her, except to fight for the resistance. What steps does she need to take to pass the Jedi trial? What does she need to do to find her path?

_Leia,_

_Ninlea is our only hope of restoring the Jedi Order. The dark does not call for her as strongly as the light, but it is not darkness that I fear shall steal her away. Do not let her fight Kylo Ren. Not yet._

_May we meet again one day,_

_Luke_

 


	3. There is No Emotion, There is Peace

It takes five days to get to the Resistance base and a single day to latch onto General Leia like an excited little puppy. She's never seen a woman in such a powerful position before- never seen much of _anyone_ besides Luke Skywalker. There's familiarity there, in the shape of the face and the wise glint in their eye. Leia feels old and new at the same time.

What's even more exciting is the people. She's never seen so many before, of so many different ages, skill-sets, pasts, coming together under one common goal. Their comradery is intoxicating and it doesn't take much for Nin to find herself swept up in it. She cheers with them in victory; shares their sullen silence in loss. Certain faces become commonplace in her memory. Poe, the best pilot in the Resistance with a smile that makes her blush. Jessica Pava, who lets her sit in the cockpit every so often and points out switches and gears so she can learn. Finn, a Stormtrooper gone rouge who likes to watch Nin when she practices her combat skills. She can sense he wants to be a Jedi, but his lack of force-sensitivity makes this dream impossible. He's the first to volunteer as a guide when it comes time for her to make a lightsaber. Under Chewbacca's protection and piloting, they pluck a crystal from the caves of Dantooine, a shimmery, beautiful, pale blue thing that sends a shiver down Nin's spine when she holds it. For the first time in her life the Force is not just a simple trick of her mind. It courses through her, uncontrollable, pulsing, delicious. She can feel it- both light and dark.

“ _Nin, come with me.”_

She swallows thickly and hides the stone away in a little compartment, wrapped in cloth for the duration of the trip home.

Nin thinks constructing the lightsaber is the hardest thing she's ever had to do. Five days of mediation in the bowels of the Resistance headquarters, refusing any breaks, afraid she'll loose concentration as well as results. Life buzzes about her as if she's in the core of a beehive, felt in the Force, but in her little room it is dark and noiseless. By the time the lightsaber is complete, she is dehydrated and starving. She summons the last of her strength to ignite it. It's heavy and dangerous and vibrates ever so slightly in her grip. It's beautiful.

And she hardly gets to use it. The only missions General Leia allows her are simple and quick. Scavenge for usable aircraft in desolate, uncivilized planets; guard the litter of children the Resistance has either adopted or bred when they wish to play in the forest outside headquarters; negotiate a few trades for much needed supplies. The only thing she gets to slice into is the air during practice.

But this changes quickly. The war against the First Order is getting rougher. They destroyed the Starkiller Base but it's Supreme Leader still has a strong hold over a large portion of the galaxy and it's reach is expanding every day. News of planets taken over or destroyed comes to the Resistance like a flood and though they fight tooth and nail with every fibre of every being, it never seems to be enough. They're rapidly loosing pilots and fighters. Nin cannot be hidden away anymore.

The first time she kills, it's but a flare in a mind that is submerged in a plethora of emotions. It's a Stormtrooper, a white robotic suit without a voice or free-will. She dimly understands there is human life underneath- Finn is proof of that- but it's hard to remember when it shoots a blaster bolt that nearly tears off her arm. He falls in one swift move, decapitated, and there is the smell of burning flesh in an already pungent air.

_There is no emotion, only peace._

Around is her more carnage. Huts are ablaze from torches, civilians scatter bare-footed into the thick forest, but most are shot down before they can reach the edge of the village. To her left, a baby weeps, trapped under her mother's lifeless body. This sight is familiar; she sees it in her dreams every night. Where once she felt horror, this scene feels out of reach and intangible. Like a picture in a story book.

When she's lying in the medical bay the next day, she begins to question the difference between light and dark. Both paths wreak of blood.

 


	4. There is No Chaos, There is Peace

The Millennium Falcon is like a second home to her now. It's a reliable old relic, carting fighters into the fray and taking them home safely when they're weary and tired. It's been through endless battles, escaped thousands of tight situations, been put out to pasture only to come back to life, over and over again. The Falcon is a being all it's own; a comrade and friend. General Leia comes by every now and then when she has the time, gives it an affectionate pat, exchanges a secretive smile with Chewie, who is never far. Nin knows there is history there, but unlike her Resistance-zealous counterparts, she knows very little of the whole story. Luke Skywalker ended his tale-telling the day his nephew took on his grandfather's legacy.

'I miss Han.' Leia tells Chewbacca before the day's battle, while Nin is hidden away in the cockpit, fondling switches she knows to be harmless, avoiding the ones that will be sure to ruin take-off. She cranes her ear to listen. 'I miss Ben. But now both are lost to me forever.'

Nin sinks in her seat. She wants to plug her ears and scream so she hears nothing more. She hasn't heard that name in years. It invokes a feeling she can't describe nor wants to examine further.

Chewie gurgles a soft response.

'No.' Leia answers quickly, and where a wife and mother once stood is the commanding general of the Resistance Army. 'She's not strong enough. Our best hope is that she makes it through this war and devotes the rest of her life to restoring the Jedi Order. We can't afford to loose her to him, regardless of my feelings.'

It stings. A Jedi is supposed to be the strong-hand of the Republic, so why does everyone see her as some fragile thing? She is not a high-born Princess in an ivory tower. She is a fighter.

Right there and then she vows to kill Kylo Ren. It's odd that she's never thought of it before, but now it seems like the only thing she can do. She won't be a failure. She won't fall to the dark side. She is strong enough.

Nin feels good going into battle. She slices down Stormtroopers with ease, counting them when she isn't too distracted. One, two, four, five, six... eight? Nine? Bolts from enemy aircraft ram the frozen ground of their arctic battlefield, leaving craters in the ice that are difficult to avoid. She skates around them with the Force, plucking her fellow Resistance fighters from close calls, feeling exhilarated and very much like this battle is all wrapped up with a bow. She isn't quite sure what they're fighting about, but she never needed a reason before.

Then there is a change in the air. Wind beats down on them, growing in ferocity until it is a storm that whips at her clothes and the loose stands of hair that aren't put up in braids. But it's not just the weather that has taken a turn for the worst. A ship is lowering through the canopy of clouds, sharp and loud and black.. The Force ripples and heaves like the ocean around her, more tangible than ever. She hasn't truly been scared since she was a child, but now she feels dread that is unmatched. Something is coming- someone.

It lands heavily on the ice a few dozen yards away. The mouth of the ship opens and white pours out like an avalanche. Her comrades begin to inch away from the base of the mountain where the initial fight was born, eager to strike while their count is strong and the battle-high is still buzzing. She's still worried by the disturbance in the Force, but in the frenzy the feeling fades. Nin follows them, stabbing and slashing through enemy lines like foliage in a jungle, weaving through blaster bolts or knocking them astray.

She's just kicked a Stormtrooper into a break in the ice when a light flashes and she winces. A second passes where she's given the time to be angry at herself for dying from something as easy as a blaster bolt, but when she opens her eyes again it's hovering a few inches from her face. Just hovering. The force is as thick as molasses but it's not her who commands it.

_'I know you.'_

It's his voice. It's clear as day even in the screech of war. Nin's dread comes back tenfold. He's right behind her and she doesn't even have the courage to turn around.

_'Don't be afraid.'_

'I'm not afraid.' She answers through gritted teeth. A long deep breath, a reminder of her new purpose, and she turns.

Kylo Ren is not whispering in her ear. He's meters away, flickering in and out of view as Stormtroopers and resistance fighters battle around them. She's in white and beige and he's in black. The mask is relief as much as it is a symbol. She doesn't want to see that face.

_'You've grown.'_

The grip on her lightsaber tightens.  _'That must be a surprise, considering you left me to die.'_

_'Left you? Not completely.'_  He takes a step, then another.  _'Though you already know that.'_

The dreams. She was right; they had never been her's.

Nin poses to take a step back, but remembers her vows and brings her sky-bright lightsaber up to ward him back.

His footsteps never falter.  _'Careful. We're not fighting with wooden staffs any longer.'_

_'I'm counting on that.'_

Kylo Ren's own lighstaber stays dormant on his hip even when he's close enough to attack. He doesn't take her seriously. Nin slashes at him but cannot complete the arch.

_'Do you think that you can kill me?'_  Despite the monotone of his mask, she can tell he's amused by this.  _'Do you_ _want_ _to kill me?'_

He releases his hold on her, a cat playing with his food. Nin is a thunderous threat when it comes to Jedi combat but the Force is stronger in Kylo Ren. It's in his blood.

She slices and he dodges. She slices again and his lightsaber is finally unhooked from his belt. It beams outward in a burst and Nin is looking into the core of the sun once more. It's as beautifully wild as it was the day it was pressed to her throat.

_There is no chaos, there is peace._

The heat kisses her skin. Her scar burns anew.

She attacks and Kylo Ren matches each stroke with one of his own. He's on the defensive, gauging her strength, and Nin knows it. He could crush her like an ant. Paralyze her. Torture her. This is nothing but a game to him.

_'Do you hate me?'_

Nin puts all she can muster into her strike and he blocks it. Their lightsabers snap and spark under the pressure, but neither yelds.

'With every fibre of my being,' Nin promises with a sneer.

In the end, Kylo Ren wins. Any command she has over the force is turned against her like a wave and she gets caught in the riptide, falling down hard against the ice.

_'No, you don't. You're angry, but you don't hate me.'_

He comes to stand above her, and with a click his lightsaber is snuffed out.  _'You're no longer the sickly child you once were.'_

Nin can't lift her head from the ground. Her arms and legs are pinned. She can speak, but she's too ashamed to form words.

Kylo Ren reaches up and presses something on the base of his mask. It hisses.

'Don't!' Nin panics, struggling against her invisible restraints. 'Please, don't.'

_'Are you afraid of what you'll see underneath? That I am the same man you bonded with all those years ago?'_

Nin stares stubbornly into the sky. He's revealing himself, but it's her who feels naked.

_'Ben Solo is dead.'_

_'Not dead. Transformed.'_

He crouches down and, though she isn't sure if it's her own will or his use of the Force, but Nin feels compelled to look. She wants to pretend he's an imposter; a stranger in someone else's skin. But it's really him, flesh, blood and soul. Ignoring the scar running across his nose and down his cheek, he is exactly the same as she remembers him.

_'You look quite different.'_  There's a shadow of a smile on his face. Nin bites down on the inside of her cheeks.

_'You're stronger than I imagined you'd be, but you can become stronger.'_  He reaches down and brushes a strand of hair away from her face. The feel of his fingers on her cheek ignites the same feeling she felt when Leia spoke of him in the Falcon. She takes a shallow breath that quakes as it dies. Kylo Ren stands again, slipping the mask back into place.  _'The light can only show you so much, but the dark is limitless. Nin, come with me.'_

_'No, Kylo Ren. I'm afraid you'll have to kill me instead.'_

A noise comes from beneath his mask, distorted by the voice-altering, but it's a chuckle all the same.

It's only when he's gone does she realize she's surrounded by bodies. Some are Resistance fighters, most are Stormtroopers.

Finn is standing only a few feet away, blaster held aloft. He doesn't offer assistance as Nin stands, stripped of all bravado, shaking like a sapling in the wind. He looks confused and distrustful. It's ironic coming from a defector.

Only days later they're back where they started, meters away, poised for a duel. Today the battleground is at the top of a steep shoreline. A few miles away is a city of wood and brick, wind-weathered but sturdy. It's a rescue mission. There's a prince in the city with information both the Resistance and the First Order desperately need.

Nin is helping him into bowels of an X-wing that hovers at the edge of the cliff. Underneath is a churning yellow ocean, smacking so roughly against the rock that she can feel the spray stick on her skin even all the way up there. The prince has turned out to be a boy of seven, his parents slain, and he's crying and kicking at her side as she shoves him into Poe's secure grasp.

_'The Resistance is becoming quite the nuisance to me.'_

This is all the warning Nin gets. She feels a ripple in the Force to her left and dodges just as red slides into the space where her shoulder would have been. She smacks her hand against Poe's aircraft and tells him to go. He's reluctant to leave her behind but he's even more reluctant to endanger the mission, so he flies up high and out of reach before Kylo Ren can slice a hole into the siding and pull the child away. While he's distracted, Nin strikes upward from her crouch. He senses it coming and kicks her in the stomach. She looses balance, turns her fall into a roll just as he stabs down and hits mossy gravel.

She uses the momentum to finish on her feet, facing him. Her lightsaber sings as she slices it loosely in the air. 'It's over, Kylo Ren. We have the child. The fight is won.'

_'Then we have some free time._  Kylo Ren points his lightsaber to her chest in challenge. The duel that follows is a flurry of slashes and jabs. Nin holds nothing back. The Force gravitates to Kylo Ren like microscopic magnets but he uses it sparingly, only when Nin's strike is too quick to avoid physically. She thinks he's underestimating her.

When it's over he's barely standing on a bloodied leg and she's clutching her dislocated shoulder. Why he let this fight go so far is beyond her, but she hopes he's learned a lesson.

_'Nin, come with me.'_

'No!' She shouts.

 


	5. There is No Passion, There is Serenity.

 

His goal becomes clear a dozen battles later, when they're standing on the roof of a building and the sky is lit up with exploding X-wings. This time it's the Resistance that looses the fight. She's done nothing to assist them. Hasn't for a long time. He won't fight her properly; won't kill her either. Leia frowns every time Nin comes back with nothing but a new bruise, says she shouldn't be fighting her son, but they both know she's the only thing that puts a pause in his stride. But it's just that- just a pause. He should could end it easily- _should_ end it. As an almost-Jedi, she's one of the strongest players on the team.

 _'Use it.'_ Kylo instructs after one of the exhaust ports of his lightsaber bites a chunk of flesh from her shoulder. ' _Use the Force. Anticipate my moves.'_

Nin clutches her shoulder, glaring. Now she understands. This scene is all to familiar. They're children again, wielding wooden staffs, and he's humouring her to build up her strengths. While her friends put everything they have into winning even the smallest victory, she's forced into playing pretend.

That day her attack is fueled by frustration and anger. Afterwards, when every muscle burns and she's an inch away from slipping off the edge of the building, he pulls off his helmet and stares down at her.

_'Nin, come with me.'_

“No.” She answers out loud, and by now it's just a sound that falls from her mouth automatically. ' _What about you? Afraid to face your mother? You're a bit too old to be grounded.'_

This time he frowns. ' _You deny me_ _because you think the light is your only option. You follow Skywalker's rules like they are tattooed on your skin, but you are only being held back from your full potential.'_

Nin laughs as she sits up. Why pick sides? Kylo will teach her to become stronger in the Force regardless, and it's strength that she seeks, not power.

This war becomes nothing more than a lifestyle to them. As time passes the distinction between conqueror and rebel blur. The first Order holds half of the universe while the Resistance holds the other. Both are weakened by unimaginable losses.

As for Nin and Kylo Ren, their battles are endless. Sometimes they fight, sometimes it's a lazy bout where their minds connect more than their lightsabers do. Sometimes they simply sit, drinking each other in, out of options but not out of time. The resolve to kill him becomes so weak that she's glad when the sparring leads them away from the core of the battle, hidden in between rock faces or in the rooms of the countless buildings they've destroyed. It becomes a secret; another blur between light and dark. They could go on like this forever and the idea doesn't upset Nin like it used to.

The Resistance is caught unaware one day. It's only a handful of them on a supply mission. The planet they're visiting is completely covered in a thick, damp rain forest with trees so tall and wide they must be older than the Republic itself. The air is sweet with fauna but hot and sticky. The only residents are thin, wide-eyed creatures that look to be made right out of the forest they live in. Their skin is the texture of bark, flowers bloom along the creases of their bodies, and they make extraordinary wine. Nin is haggling with what she _thinks_ is their leader for a casket when she hears shouting from the ship. Her comrades are dead when she gets there, body parts and innards mangled into something unrecognizable. It looks like the work of an animal, but it's only Kylo Ren who stands at the mouth of the ship while Stormtroopers tear through supplies. One puts a blaster to the side of Nin's head. She angles her lightsaber and ignites it right into his gut.

“Where is it?” Kylo demands, thundering towards her while she's rooted in place. He hasn't used the Force against her in years and the restriction makes her all to aware of how much power he holds over her despite her rise in strength. His fire-red lightsaber crackles in his grip.

 _You're angry,_ Nin observes. She has no idea what he's searching for, but it must be important if Kylo Ren is intercepting a silly supply run. _You're scared. What's wrong?_

He gestures to the small settlement a little ways down. “Search. Leave nothing unchecked.”

The Stormtroopers march past her, down the path between trees until they're gone and the sweet air is filled with screaming. Kylo turns to her. “Follow me.”

She succumbs to his command. They walk around the ship, through the little meadow it's parked in, into the forest where it's thicker. The floor is uneven with roots, but they find a little area to stand safely. Nin is relieved to be away from the body parts.

He looms over her, masked, lightsaber crackling as it slides idly against her own. “Where is it, Nin?”

Nin shrugs. “Where is what?”

“Do not make me pull it from your mind.”

 _Do you think you can?_ Nin taunts, and he places a hand on her cheek. She's unprepared for the onslaught of pain in her head, like a chisel against her mind, carving out memories both insignificant and precious to her. She tries to fight him, teeth grit, but it's as useless as fending off a blaster bolt with her fist.

 _'Stop,'_ She begs, ' _I don't know! I don't know anything!'_

When the fire is gone, her cheeks are wet. Kylo Ren paces a feet away from her, mumbling too low for the voice-altering to pick up. The leather of his gloves squelch as he clenches and un-clenches.

Nin leans back against a tree and rubs the moisture from her eyes. She doesn't care as he rips the mask away, sucking in the air like it's the first breath he's taken all day, slick with sweat. Kylo Ren stares up at the canopy of trees, unable to see the sky, and looks for a moment like he might scream.

“You're insane.” Nin tells him, clutching the hilt of her lightsaber, feeling as if their little play-pretend is over.

_There is no passion, there is serenity._

Nin is knocked back against the tree so hard her head thwacks against the bark and she feels dizzy. Kylo Ren captures her mouth in his, tastes like anger, like metal and rain. He releases her wrists to pull off his gloves and then his grasp is _everywhere_ ; her stomach and breasts and thighs and the slick place in between. Nin mewls into his throat, fighting with the buckle of his trousers. Impatient, he swats her away and releasing himself. Then her pants are discarded on the forest floor and he bucks into her. He never asks, never pauses to ask if the discomfort is too much. The collar of Nin's shirt catches on the bark and rips, revealing her secret burn. Kylo kisses it fervently.

A Jedi feels no passion, only serenity, but that day she feels them both hand in hand.

As the gentle swish of an X-wing cuts through the forest, Kylo Ren leans his forehead against her's.

' _Nin-'_

She kisses him. _'No.'_


	6. A New Jedi Mantra

Despite everything their fates are not quite so tightly entwined. Nin has known for a while that she will never be powerful enough to defeat him. It's a blessing, really. She doesn't think she can do it anymore. But now she's not the only other player on the field. Luke Skywalker has come home and his new padawan is not far behind. She's greeted warmly by the troops, embraced by Finn like they are the oldest of friends. Leia and Luke slip away to speak privately, and when they come out, Luke places a hand on Nin's shoulder and declares her a Jedi Knight. There is disappointment in his gaze; they both know she's just barely passed his soaring expectations. She feels too much; is sick with bloodlust and in love with the enemy. But the Jedi is a dying breed and they can't afford to be picky. Nin feels proud regardless.

A month goes by and she is slowly weaned off of the battlefield. Luke and Leia have decided her skills can be more efficiently used at home, teaching a handful of force-sensitive offspring. She doesn't understand. She's been  _raised_  to fight. Half of being a Jedi requires passing the traditions down to the next generation, but she's too young and healthy and they are in the middle of war. Even worse, it's Rey who replaces her. Rey, who is strong with the Force. It's in her destiny to extinguish Snoke's reign and defeat Kylo Ren. Once upon a time, Nin would have been excited to have the girl in her company- someone with the same temptations, the same path to walk... Yet when Rey takes Nin's spot on the Falcon, she sees blood.

It's not fair. She's amassed ten years of Jedi training. She's more qualified. She's more experienced. Nin is Luke Skywalker's protege. The only one to survive Kylo Ren's massacre. Who is Rey but a Jakku scavenger?

"I should be fighting with them!" Nin tells her old master as they watch the X-wings take to the sky. "I'm strong enough! I thought I proved that!"

"A Jedi is not a weapon, Nin." Skywalker explains, and she feels like youngling again. "We are peace-keepers, tasked with leveling the scales of Dark and Light."

She hears a familiar truth in his words, but she cannot deny the itch she feels to have her lightsaber burn through metal and flesh. "Then why does Rey-"

"-As for strength," Luke continues pointedly, "How many times did you have the chance to end this war, Nin? How many times did you have the chance to kill Kylo Ren, but put your own emotions above the needs of the galaxy?"

They stop sending her to missions altogether. Half the Resistance thinks she's a traitor, the other half feel pity. When her frustration has festered to unimaginable heights and she's found storming about the jungle, slashing through vines, it's Leia that comes to her.

“I should have listened to my brother.” She sighs, placing a hand on the girl's growing stomach. “But I'm glad I didn't.”

Nin sobs.

Being pregnant is the punishment she gets for ever setting eyes on Kylo Ren. She feels invaded and overstuffed and wrong. Her feet swell, she's always hot, and they hide her lightsaber when she threatens to cut the bastard out of her womb. Mothers try to sooth her and explain that it's all natural. That she'll miss this feeling when it's gone. They say she's having the worst pregnancy the Resistance Base has ever seen. Then Jessica finds her unconscious in the hall outside her room, it becomes more than that. She's burning up with a fever.

Leia never leaves Nin's side. She knows little to nothing about being a mid-wife and she has no religion to cling to, but when the girl's water breaks a few weeks early, she clutches her loosely grasping hand and prays to all the Gods in the universe that both mother and child make it safely through.

When Nin holds her baby for the first time, a black-haired, funny-eared boy, she feels a love that is much stronger than the Force. She turns to the child's grandmother, barely awake but very alive, and growls. “I _am_ strong.”

She grows older and so does her child. The Resistance Base is no longer safe- no where is safe. Luke Skywalker, still her superior, orders to take children- her's and the Force-sensitive and even the ordinary ones, to Yavin 4. She's to rebuild the school; rebuild the Jedi Order. Nin says nothing of the blood in her veins that boil for battle and obeys. There is no adversary waiting for her anymore. Her place as a Jedi is with the children and her place as a mother is with her child.

Their new home is carved of stone. It makes her feel reminiscent.

“Do any of you know the Jedi Code?” She asks the little students one day. Her whisper is a gentle breeze in their minds.

Emotion, yet peace.

Ignorance, yet knowledge.

Passion, yet serenity.

Chaos, yet harmony.

Death, yet the Force.

The last dream they share is one she controls. They're still at school, but it's not the one she's built. It's Skywalker's; it's the first place they met. Kylo Ren and Nin stand facing each other in the field just outside the dorms. It's not the proper training grounds- it's the space the children used to use when disputes needed to be settled. The grass grows tall everywhere except for a makeshift circle in the middle, torn and stomped down permanently.

' _Is this where it ends?'_ Kylo Ren wonders, ' _Will this be our final fight?'_

Nin doesn't have an answer for him. There comes a giggle from beneath the grass. A four-year-old comes tumbling into the little clearing, smiling, a sparkling yellow stone in his chubby fist.

Kylo's hand gravitates to the hilt of his lightsaber.

It's a dream, but Nin panics regardless. “Ben, come to me!”

The smile falters on the boy's face. He glances fearfully at the man before he hurdles himself against his mother's leg.

Kylo removes his mask. The face underneath is tortured.

'You never asked me.' He chokes out, staring down at the child as if he capsules the whole universe and more. _'You never asked me to come home.'_

Nin places her hand on her son's feathery soft hair. _'Would you?'_

She never hears the answer. The vision is wafted away by a rising sun. The children pile up on her weary body, bounce on her bed, demand breakfast. Her son, Ben Solo, hovers at the door. He's confused and frightened by the dream he's woken from.

The day Kylo Ren dies, she feels their bond strain and snap. She searches for the remnants but finds an empty void. It's the first time she's ever truly alone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end!
> 
> Now that it's all said and done, please take a minute to review! Any feedback will be amazing!


End file.
